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Wow, haven't used this thing for a while. Well, I'm now officially 21 years of age. HOORAY! And as a fully fledged 21 year old, I'm now starting a detox diet to start afresh.

Why am I doing this? Well, university can eat you up, and towards the end of the year I was really not enjoying myself with so much drama going on between housemates, friends and lovers, plus I was also starting to get VERY homesick what with term being so long (I was there for three and a half months). I started seeing a counsellor as things were really getting on top of me, and I'm going to continue seeing her when I get back. But, I started over-eating and drinking VERY HEAVILY just to boost my self esteem. If there was any alcohol knocking around, I'd swig it just to feel better about myself (although that didn't work and I'd end up crying). The day before I left for home, I had a pre-birthday birthday party with a few friends from uni, but prior to that, I got extremely anxious about it and started downing a bottle of vodka to relax. I proceeded to get very drunk, and my guests didn't help situation and decided to get me even more drunk. Thank goodness my housemates were there on standby to help me out. Things didn't end well when I discovered that a guest in his drunken stupor defaced our wall, and I got angry and upset and ended up breaking a glass by accident and cutting my finger. I burst into tears and thankfully, my housemates took me upstairs, cleaned up my finger, dried my tears and kicked everybody out (they were absolutely livid with everyone).

It wasn't until I woke up with the worst hangover in the world that I realised that I had a problem and that I needed to clean up my act. I'm back at home with my friends and family and couldn't be happier. I'm going to start eating more fruit, veg, fish, whatever else is good for me, do more exercise, NOT DRINK EXCESSIVELY (and if that makes me 'boring', then so be it), stop over-eating, sleep better and just generally try to be a more positive person. When I get back to uni, I'll be glowing and everyone will forget about the girl who brought everybody down by getting stupidly drunk and crying.

This is my detox diet. I think I owe it to myself and my body.

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Things that piss Sara off #1

Well here we go. Another one of Sara’s rants. Well, I’m pissed off so what’s wrong with a good old rant?

Ok, so being an Aries and such, one of my bad qualities is speaking before thinking and putting my foot in it. But here’s a thing: At some point or another EVERYONE puts their foot in it and fucks up. But what really pisses me off is that if somebody fucks up and makes a mistake, they’re forgiven for it. But if I do it, everyone gets pissed off at me and holds a grudge against me.

I put on my Facebook last week, directed at somebody in my class, “How long does it take to recover from a stomach bug?” I don’t see anything offensive about that post at all. It’s just a simple question. I meant no harm by it. But no, the person in question got annoyed and offended by it. What the actual fuck? Why are people so fucking hypersensitive? I could make one little sarcastic comment and everybody throws their arms up in horror. If you think I’m bad then you ain’t seen NOTHING yet. There are people who are far worse than me and will probably rip you to fucking shreds and suck your soul away. And you better get used to that. Toughen up and get a grip!

My mum says that I have a constant ’bolshy’ attitude and that’s probably the reason why my tutor just ignores me at college and doesn’t ask me to do stuff. I’m sorry but I thought you were supposed to have a ruthless, ‘take shit from no-one’ attitude in the media industry? And I do not have a ‘bolshy’ attitude at all. Especially not in college. What the hell?

Anyway, everyone gets annoyed, gets angry, says things they don’t mean, etc. I don’t understand why everyone has to make a big fucking deal out of it when somebody screws up. Everyone’s got bad traits as well as good. All human beings have double sided personality and nobody is perfect. Ever heard of the saying, “we’re only human?” Yeah, it means that everybody makes mistakes. But we also learn from them too.

I think that if we could embrace the fact that nobody in this world is completely flawless and that everybody has a bad side, life would be a lot easier.
I wonder sometimes why I even bother putting any effort into the way I dress when I go to college. I could make myself look pretty for hours but it's just a waste of time because she'll always look better than me. Always. And he'll love the way she looks.

What the hell happened? Does he not like 'goth girls' anymore now? How did he suddenly get to liking blonde scene girls? I can't fathom it at all. All she wears most of the time are skinny jeans and t-shirts. He said to me that I had the gothic style that he liked and that I was the one who struck a chord with him on the very first day of college. He said that he immediately liked the pretty girl in the black dress with long peach coloured hair (his words not mine, and I hated my peach hair. I had massive dark roots as well). So what's changed? Why am I out of favour now? Is it cos he's a teenage boy and most teenage boys change their mind a lot and like anything with a pulse? Am I too old for him now? (He's 18, I'm 20) Is it cos I beat him at Left 4 Dead 2 and like most guys he can't stand to be beaten by a girl? (nah, can't be) Do I have to dumb myself down and giggle and flirt a lot just to get his attention now? Why do guys always eventually leave you for the perfect blonde girl? And she literally IS the perfect blonde: petite, big boobs, quite a big ass (but it'll never be as big as mine, I have a Jennifer Lopez butt) and blonde obviously (but not a natural one, she has huge dark roots and hasn't bothered to sort them out yet...)

Everyone thinks that I hate this girl. Well I do, kind of, but I do also try my damned hardest to like her but it's super hard. We have an obligatory friendship at college. Not only am I just far too envious of her, we're just polar opposites. We're light and dark, literally. I've never had a serious conversation with her in my life and she likes to talk about herself A LOT. All she does in college really is go around singing and shouting and sighing just cos her ex-boyfriend didn't bother coming in to college. Actually come to think of it, I can see why her ex finds her annoying now because SHE IS! It still baffles me as to why she's so popular and all the guys fancy her and want her.

*sigh*. I'm just sad over the fact that I'm not the beautiful one anymore. It hurts to think that all the lovely things he used to say about me are just dead memories now.
No, contrary to popular belief, I haven't left altogether (although I wish I could, I hate it with a passion). There'd just be no point in leaving when I'm seven weeks away from being released from the torture chamber. And I wouldn't get to make my film...well, when my actor awakens from his grave, (he has a 'stomach bug' he says, awww poor baby!) then I can make a start on it.

Nah, I just walked out of the lesson. I didn't see the point in staying there when there were no computers for me to use, I didn't bring my book in with me so I could finish my script and I've got work to hand in that I never finished off. Plus, I sort of caved in and had a bit of a 'breakdown'. I hate being in the same room as A and E (let's not name names but hah look, A and E! Accident and emergency! Very fitting I think...). I dread coming into college knowing that he likes her. He used to like me, I used to be the one he thought was 'beautiful and brilliant' and now I've just been reduced to nothing. What's she got that I haven't? Why does he like her now? She's nothing like me and they have nothing in common apart from the fact that they probably share one brain cell between them... In fact, why does EVERYBODY like her and why is she always the fucking star of everything at college? They might as well plaster her image on the college walls...

To make things worse, after weeks of avoiding me and being a spiteful bastard towards me, he's now talking to me and being nice to me as if nothing's happened. I don't get it and I wish he'd just fuck off and go to hell. But then again, I also love the little $*@! and asked him to be my second cameraman for my Final Major Project and if I could be a zombie in his film to which he said yes. We both make matters worse by being nice to each other I guess.

He still has no idea just how ugly he makes me feel when he follows her, the beautiful blonde, around like a lovesick puppy. She also said to me once that she understands how I feel about it since she has to face her ex-boyfriend (who's also in our class) almost everyday at college and she still loves him. But she doesn't have a clue and nor does she care really. I think that if she were a good enough friend and really 'understood', she wouldn't flirt around with A and lead him on. The only comfort I have is the knowledge that she'll never go out with him because he's definitely not her type (I've heard her make comments about his appearance and such. She's pretty superficial when it comes to blokes actually. They have to be the perfect, good looking musician type which is what her ex-boyfriend is/was).

Why doesn't he love me anymore? Why did I have to screw things up between us by doing the things I've done to him? Why did he have to have a crush on me in the first fucking place? Why did he actually have to tell me at midnight on Christmas Day, 2008 that he had a crush on me? (Well I know the answer to that one, he was extremely drunk) Why's he looking more beautiful these days than when I first met him? (He's got dreadlocks now and has lost so much weight) Why's he being so nice to me again? Why did he wish me a Happy Birthday? Why does he have to make me hurt and cry so often? I hate that bastard so much and he'll never know that I'm probably the only girl who'll accept him for who he is. I'm not some shallow blonde bimbo who can't see beyond the external beauty. He may not look like the handsome prince I read about in fairytales and most would probably say that he's ugly but I think, and will probably always think that he is beautiful.

FUCK MY LIFE!

Going off a completely different and seemingly positive tangent, my 'blind date' went very well. He's a real nice bloke but not much of a talker so I had to do most of the talking. I thought I talked too much and left a bad impression but apparently I left a rather good impression. He said I was lovely, really pretty (!) and that he could've listened to me talk all night. He said that he liked my energy and that I'm really passionate about my Final Major Project and the things I want to do (like my animated series about gamers on a quest...looool) with my life. We went to go and see Alice In Wonderland (LOVED IT) and he walked me to the bus station afterwards 'cause it was dark. He even texted me and to say "Please let me know when you get home". Aww. I know what you're all thinking. Sara, go out with this guy! He's really nice, hasn't made you cry, listens to you, probably wouldn't purposely ignore your calls and thinks you're nice even when you're talking his ear off. I'm not sure yet if I like him in that way, it takes me a while to warm up to guys (It even took me a while to warm up to A, I actually didn't like him at first and that was before I'd even began speaking to him. He spoke to me first). We seem to get on very well now that we've actually met in person. We'll see how it goes. I don't want to be one of those girls who constantly falls for the wrong guy.

I also tried contact lenses for the first time. The optician ordered me some special ones for my astigmatism (which has gotten worse so there'd be no chance of me getting laser eye surgery if I wanted it). The optician put them in for me and told me to go out and walk around with them in for ten minutes. It's weird walking around with no glasses and stabbing yourself in the eye with these things. Taking them out was the worst thing as you have to open up your whole eye and focus on something in the mirror just to get them out. That took me a while to do. I'm getting my trial contacts next Thursday and learning how to put them in and take them out and such. Hopefully I'll get the hang of it this time.

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I have a 'hot date' tonight...go me...

You’d expect me to be excited about it right? Actually I’m quite anxious about it. No, not ‘cause it’s with someone I really like and I’m getting ‘first date butterflies’…it’s because I don’t actually know the guy I’m seeing despite the fact we’ve spoken on Facebook and that he’s a friend of a friend (C’mon, I’m not that stupid enough to go on a date with a complete stranger…).

He says that he’s not chasing me but this I believe is lies and slander as he’s been asking me to meet him for weeks now, which I’ve refused to do but he just hasn’t given up yet. So when he tried yet again to get me to go out with him, I caved in and agreed. Heck, if it means he’ll leave me alone then sure I’ll meet him…

We’re going to the cinema to see Kick-Ass (I chose the film). He says that it’s a belated birthday treat. He’s paying for everything as well. And I’m going to get ‘Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time’ out of it too (yesssssss!).

Everyone’s been saying to give him a chance. Well now I am doing, but if it’s really boring or the night ends horribly, I’m blaming all of you lot who said to give him a chance!
I dreamt that I only had three weeks left to do my Final Major Project and I still hadn’t started ANYTHING! I was sat in the corner of the editing suite worrying about it until three people in my class came over to me and one of them, who’s going to be the main star of my FMP, asked me how far I was into making it. I said that I hadn’t started it yet and he said “Oh SARA! You stupid bitch, we’ve only got three weeks left! We’ve finished making ours!” And thus the dream ended.

It’s probably just my sub-conscious talking. I have started planning my FMP and I began my script last night but I have been getting anxious about it, worrying if it will go the way I want it to and if it will be good or not. I want this to be the best piece of work I’ve ever made and when my family come to see it at my Media Showcase (where we show all the students’ work) I want them to be proud of me. Heck, maybe I’ll win an award for it…

I often get the feeling...

…that everybody thinks I’m psychotic. For weeks I’ve noticed that everyone kind of keeps their distance from me.

I thought I was quite insane for a while too, I didn’t even like me.

But I’ve looked at myself from a different perspective (does it come with turning twenty?) and to be quite honest, I’m really not in the slightest bit deranged at all. I’m actually pretty…NORMAL. I sometimes may talk about chopping someone’s head off but that doesn’t mean I’m actually going to do it. I haven’t come into college swinging a huge samurai sword at everyone, Kill Bill style. I like things that you find strange and extreme. I take up activities that people find to be ‘weird’ just because no-one else is doing it. I dress differently. Sure, I overthink too much and act irrationally at times but I can assure you…

I’m perfectly sane. There is nothing wrong with me. Really.
fuck short skirts. fuck eye make-up. fuck starving yourself for three days to look “lovely” for some boy who’ll leave you at the bus station, damning your face, cursing your luck. fuck dreaming about him, and i mean that in the sense that he actually appears in your dreams. fuck praying to a god you don’t believe in that he’ll appear around every corner you turn in your city, the one you love, the one that he’s become so intrinsically linked with in your mind it crushes you when you walk under it’s clouds, the city you never hated before but the one you’re beginning too.

fuck sweaty palms. fuck memories of sweetness that have started to sting. fuck waiting for him to call.

you’re better than that.

Wow...what is going on with my life?

It’s gone from being horribly depressing and sad to being…well…SO GODDAMN AMAZING!

I hope I don’t jinx myself or anything but my luck seems to be changing so rapidly. A lot of good things are happening to me and I really can’t quite believe my luck. Do I deserve all this good fortune I’ve recently been getting? Well yes. Personally, I believe that I do.

I’ve just gotten myself a new job today! Well, I say ‘me’, really it’s all down to this mutual friend of mine and Luke’s as he’s the one who got me the job in the first place. I probably would’ve been stuck in TJ Hughes bored to tears on the till if it weren’t for him so thanks Elliot, old chap. :)

I’m working in a bakery which is conveniently placed near my house so now I don’t have to beg my parents for bus fare every Saturday morning just so I can do a boring four hour slog at a stuffy little shop that wouldn’t even let me dye my hair flourescent pink! I did a trial run today and they asked me to come back next Saturday! I’m constantly on my feet and busy rushing making and collecting food. Everybody’s really friendly at the bakery and my new ‘boss’ (if I can call her that) didn’t seem to mind that I was ten minutes late today (stuck in endless traffic in Rochdale and then delayed on the 184 when they decided to change drivers). I can even make my own sandwiches using the bread and meat that belongs to the bakery!

This is my third job and three is my lucky number (things always seem to work out for me the third time round). I really enjoyed myself today even if I did find it daunting at the beginning!

Also, I recently discovered some money that was left to me by my grandad when I was a baby. I’m not going to disclose publicly how much I’ve got, but it is a lot. My stepbrother found a bank book from 1993 belonging to me and over the years, the money has built up. Since it was given to me by my Grandad Laurence before he died, I’m going to save that money for something special, perhaps funds for university. I think he’d have wanted to save it for something special too.

Still, I'm really baffled at how someone's life can go from being horrible to brilliant with just the click of a finger.

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I really wish...

…that I’d gone to Staffordshire with my friend Matthew today. He had a uni interview there and it would have been so much more fun than going to college. Plus I would have gotten to spend time with Matthew! I haven’t seen him for ages and I really miss him.

College really was just a load of bullshit today. I overslept for starters, which wasn’t how I wanted to spend my new life as an organised twenty year old woman. Then we didn’t really do much for my first lesson…well, I got working on the story for my Final Major Project before I hit a brick wall (I’ve decided to make a ghost story!). Second lesson started off promising as my group were going to record their radio programme today but now we’re doing it on Friday because we don’t have a programme clock. So I just left, since there was nothing to do but sit around and I’d have rather done some much-needed research on my Final Major Project than sit around with nothing to do (I read some Edgar Allan Poe stories, now that’s definitely more entertaining than college!).

Also, apparently I’m a ‘dick’ for leaving college? This I do not understand:

Alex: Are you escaping college?

Me: Thanks for giving it away! I was trying to sneak away secretly y’know, and you just had to ruin it!

Alex: You’re a dick.

Me: Did you just call me a ‘dick’? Well…you’re a wanker!

Me: (walking away from the classroom) …Tosser…

I so wish I’d gone to Staffordshire instead.